What's the thing that keeps me breathing?
Thoughts on unemployment, freedom, meaning, and demons
There's this song, Weekend by Mac Miller, that perfectly describes my life right now.
I’ve been havin’ trouble sleepin’, battlin’ these demons
I recently left my job at Cradle. I was on the founding team and left on really good terms — eternally grateful to learn so much from everyone there. But its still super odd going through the motions of unemployment.
I felt like I was ready for freedom. And I thought I could finally get a much needed break. But I'm the type of person who works on side projects every Sunday - not doing something productive most of the time almost feels dirty.
Its been about 6 weeks out since I left. The first 2, I slept beautifully. I didn't know how much stress I'd been carrying for so long. The 3rd week, I was itching. It was the first time it hit me that, for the first time in my life, I didn't have anywhere to go during the weekdays. It was always school with clubs and side projects, summer part time jobs, side-hustles while skipping school, 2 jobs at the same time with school and an all consuming founding engineer role with side projects.
And I thought without all that, I’d feel free. Instead, I was battling the demons of analysis paralysis and paradox of choice.
Wonderin’ what’s the thing that keeps me breathin’? Is it money, fame or neither?
In a way, I’ve sort of always had things decided for me. K-12 was mostly taken care of by my parents/geography, even the special programs I did weren’t really my initiative. Anything interesting I did pre-college was due in some way to TKS. During college, I got free tuition and a job due to Dev Degree. And even my job at Cradle was because a friend approached me, I didn’t really seek it out.
Growing up, the biggest problem used to be money. Now it’s esoteric needs like self-actualization and fulfillment — something only a privileged few will ever have a chance to shoot for. And I feel like I have a duty now to full send it, to fuck around and find out what I really want in life. I don’t want to be a FAANG lifer and constantly wonder what if. God did not put me on this earth and my parents did not give everything for me to make rounded rectangles that get people addicted to their phones.
As for fame, my cousin recently told my parents I’m famous on Twitter. Nowadays, I get recognized more and more for my online presence. I even showed up on a middle school friends for you page on IG. A couple of people I knew in high school have been reaching out even though we haven’t really talked ever, usually with tech career-related goals they think I can help with.
It’s kind of nice to be recognized finally, but I’m worried by how much a niche semi-viral tweet hijacks my day. I’ll just constantly refresh to see if I’ve “hit algorithm” before I throw my phone away to get some work done. And for most people who recognize me, I feel like I’m put in a box before even getting to talk to them. They think they know me when I have nothing on them except they seem to really like who I am online, and I don’t like that asymmetry.
I’ve made a lot of friends on the internet though, but theres a common understanding of equal social standing there. And I made a lot more in my earlier days than now — back when status games weren’t as prevalent/I gave less of a fuck about what I said online, thus attracting other weirdos like me. I care less for fame and more for friends.
Overall, I think my satisfaction in life won’t come from money or fame, but a secret third thing.
I been thinkin' about the places that I frequent, all the people that I see
The last three weeks, I’ve been travelling — first the Vancouver and now San Francisco. I pretty much only travel to visit friends and I have a bunch in both these places, plus I felt like I needed to leave Toronto for a bit to reset.
I moved around a lot as a kid but spent most of my life in Toronto. I’ve made and broken some of my best friendships in Toronto, grown up and fallen in love there, and I’ve since realized it’s time to leave.
I’ll miss the city a ton, especially my family and friends, the greatest apartment I’ve ever lived in and the coolest strangers I’ve ever met at Socratica. But living there has been capping my growth for a while, and I’ve refused to admit it til now. The city, and maybe even Canada as a whole, embodies kindness, diversity and equality.
The problem is, that leaves little space for people who want to stand out. Tech-bro culture in SF is suffocating at times, but the area as a whole feels incredibly weird. The architecture makes no sense. 2 weeks in I’ve passed by a car and a shopping cart on fire that no one seemed to care about. I’ve been getting everywhere via a car with no driver on Cruise. Just recently I was invited to a dinner at a house with 40 others just based off something I tweeted. Vancouver was so fun and I love my friends there, but the city itself didn’t scream weird like SF does and just felt more like Toronto in terms of conformity.
I think people in SF are always complaining about tech culture because they’ve been so immersed that they forget what makes SF amazing in the first place: it’s home to the dreamers. It’s so easy to hate on people who make “GPT-wrappers” but hard to remember they’re literally creating something from nothing with a technology 98% of the world finds indistinguishable from magic.
So for those reasons, I’m out (of Toronto). I’ve decided to take my talents to SF for 3 months to attend Buildspace School*.
I started livin' decent, but what do it mean to be a G
I have a few ideas on what "doing something meaningful with my life” looks like:
Building things, helping people, teaching people and making people laugh
these are the 4 things I talked about in my buildspace school application
as far back as I can remember, I’ve been the happiest doing 1 of these 4 things, and my ideal career would have me doing these everyday - SWE wasn’t really doing it for me, I need to interact with people more
thinking about this led me to want to do 2 things in the short term:
bring TalkToTori to the masses — I think I have a chance to really help some people here
become a Youtuber — emulating the style of Mark Rober and Michael Reeves where I build stuff and show people
Post-scarcity with the homies
I’m fairly certain that happiness comes from relationships, not from “the grind”
I just want me and all my friends to have enough money that we could have and do anything we reasonably want to
I have this picture of a cottage in my head where all my friends are having dinner, and all my family is around, and every time I meet someone, I try to picture them in the cottage — if I can see it, they’re someone I want to keep around for a long time as a close friend
‘Settling down’
Like everyone, I want to meet my other half and live in a Disney movie
I probably want kids, think I’d have lived half a life if I never became a father
Extending the cottage analogy, I try to picture anyone I’m somewhat romantically interested in sitting beside me, my brother and his girlfriend in rocking chairs at the cottage — if I can picture it, I know I’m serious about them
Normally I shout people out here for reviewing early drafts of this. But this one was reviewed by no one — sort of just a life update I hope people can learn from. Or laugh at. Or… be helped by? Anyway, let me know if this was good or you hated it or whatever. Or if you’re reading this and we haven’t talked in a while, reach out — I guarantee I think about you too. Or if you’re a stranger and you think we’d get along, never hurts to DM me. Made some of my best friends that way :D
*More weirdness here: 1. Buildspace school basically promises nothing, its just a place to “build your ideas” — and yet this captivated me. 2 years ago I would’ve called myself crazy for forgoing high paying SWE jobs to “build something new”. 2. I’m paying for housing during these 3 months by doing SWE work for a friend. Toronto could never.
you inspire me! excited for you aadil :)
really resonate with the part about Canada limiting your growth, I felt the same there. good to have you in SF!