It's 4 am and I can't sleep

I am what I do

Not what I have done or what I will do, but what I have done does contribute to what I do. And what I will do is never defined but constantly shaped by what I do. And what I want to do shapes what I do. But fundamentally I am what I do. A system is defined by its function.

I spent many years asking myself what is my purpose, what was I put on this earth to do, who am I and who am I meant to be. Everything I could use to define that was made up by people like me, fitting answers to a puzzle they literally cannot solve but try to regardless. No one will ever have a mathematical proof of how the universe was created and why we were put here.

Engineer is a label conferred onto me by this world of answer-seekers who are just as foolish as I am. Language was constructed similarly to label what must be felt to those who can never feel the exact same way as us.

It seems foolish to do all this - to search for meaning and try to give it to ourselves even thought the answers are asymptotic.

But if it all ends up the same in the end, isn't it just more fun to try?

All the time wasted on labels and definitions is time spent not trying.

All the time justifying your being to yourself and then on to others is time spent not being. And time spent observing yourself, or thinking about how others observe you, is time spent not interacting with your head rather than experiencing the infinity of the world.

And isn't it more enjoyable to experience the infinity of the world rather the infinity of your head going around in circles?

I bet that's what they meant in math class when they said not all infinities are equal.

It's almost a fallacy to think about what I do as good or bad, those labels are just as arbitrary as human language — invented and contrived all the same.

What I do or where Im at in life, how it looks compared to others, the actions I do and how I judge them based on the value system placed on me is much less important than how I feel about it.

End of the day I only have to live with me and myself. Not every decision has to be reasoned through, not every choice justified, not every minute of my time accounted for as part of some grander goal.

Not everything needs an answer. Not everything needs a master plan.

Try things, see how they make you feel, do more of what feels net good, less of what feels net bad, and don't take the "net" part of that phrase lightly.

Others can be seen as inspiration for what's possible, companions to make you feel net better, especially when it comes to love.

I've never regretted a single second of love I've felt even if the love:pain ratio was infinitesimal.

Anything I've done out of hate — I don't regret and wouldn't undo either. It got me to do as I do now.

If I'd never experienced hate or indifference, how could I know how good love could feel?

I'm thankful for all I've gotten to feel. I want to feel all that I can in this life. And since there's infinite feelings and I'll never get to even know if I've experienced them all, it doesn't matter if I'm ahead or behind 'cause I'm still in the same place. n/∞ always reduces to ~0.

I'm just happy I get to know what happy feels like.

And I'm just happy for the chance to try.